How did this happen?

How can I be in love with my best friend, how can I allow myself to do this? Day by day my feelings for him gets stronger. I think about the good times and also the little fights I have had with him and we work things out. Even with the big fight we had over how he thinks I acted. He has stuck by me through it all, and still I love him more for it, and I keep telling myself that I can't, I shouldn't and I won't love him. But every time I tell myself this I have more feelings for him. What if we did date? What if by some miracle we were to be together? Would it be the same? Would I still have the same feelings for him, would they grow or would they diminish? How can I have a tie to someone that I feel so strongly to, and yet know nothing will come of it? How do I allow myself to get hurt in this way? People lose weight/change for someone, I am changing for me. I know its going to be a great thing, but a small part of me in the back of my mind thinks... What if I changed, and he did want to be with me? This is horrible to think... No one should change for another person. Especially if they didn't want you before and they do now. It would be superficial.. They wouldn't want you for you, they would want you for what you became. He has been there for me through my good and bad, he has seen it all. Things maybe would have been different if I didn't date his cousin. But if I hadn't my best friend wouldn't be him. We had talked about moving in together. Now things are different since my ex was causing problems with him and the family. I think about moving in with him and us being together, and how happy and in love I am, but then reality hits and I realize he doesn't want me. It's sad and it hurts. But it does mean I wont lose him with him staying my friend. Honestly if I ever lots him I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would have a mental break down. Just thinking I would lose him makes me feel like I would lose my heart. I don't know how I became so attached to him. He said something to me last night, and I snapped at him, and told him he pissed me off, immediately he apologized. And then tonight he asked if I was mad at him. I told him no... He did apologize the night before, he was joking but I didn't appreciate the joke. I can't stay mad at him for very long. I am also wondering am I falling in love with the thought of who I think he is or who he really is? We have been friends for 3.5 years, and 2.5 we haven't lived in the same city. Am I thinking hes one person, when he is really another? And why can't he love me even though I dated his cousin? Why couldn't his cousins family understand that it didn't work out with me and my ex for a reason and be happy that I love Jake? I have even had a dream that I married Jake. I know what dress I would be wearing and how my hair would be, and us dancing in the middle of the ballroom floor just happy to have each other. But then again... It was just a dream. It's not reality. I just want to be happy, I don't want a guy to treat me like a piece of meat, I don't want other people to get in the way of my happiness because they don't like how things turned out for them or for someone in their family.

where did my heart go?

How did I give my heart to someone that doesn't even want it? I didn't reslize I did it till a few guys wanted to get with me and one wanted to date/marry me. I feel horrible about it, he asked me if I loved him. I told him I didn't know and then he asked if he moved up here if I would.I told him that I honestly didn't know. Reason I said that is because I am in love with someone that doesn't want to be with me. He said that we could never date because of the past I have with his extended family.. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to save my heart....

Unhappy

Sat around waiting to hang out with my best friend for three days. I feel like yelling at him right now.. Like do you even care about my feelings, do you care that when you say your going to do something and then you bail on me, it is like a knife in my heart. And I feel like I have been let down by the only person I never thought would let me down. We are all humans, we cant always count on them.. they will let us down no matter what they do to try and not to. You are my best friend, but I feel like things are changing between us, and not in the good way. I feel jealous of any girl that is in your life. THIS CANT HAPPEN TO ME... You don't want to be with me, you will never be with me, but why cant I get you out of my head?!? After having dinner with you and your roommate, I cried on the way home. You try to hid it. But I can tell/see how you look at her, not in a loving way, but more of "Shes mine" kind of a way. You tell me to be nice and take a nice pill the entire time I am there. If you want me to be nice, don't bring your roommate that you are sleeping with along with you when I sat around for 3 fucking days to hang out with you and changed my plans all around so I could get one more night with you and then you bring her along to dinner. Its not what I wanted.. I'm in love with a man that doesn't love me back, and can't because he wont take a chance.. Why would he though.. he knows my past. he knows everything about me why would he want anything to do with me? I want to move to Seattle, but for what? a job I cant get, a man I'm in love with but that doesn't love me back.. I feel so hurt. Almost like my life is falling apart all over again. Falling all around me while your life moves on, I feel like I have been waiting for you for so long, but doesn't matter because all it is for you is a show/game/mind twister for you. A man that fears nothing is a man that loves nothing... Love, Big love, Great love Love: the one you can get over in a couple months. Big Love: the one that takes a couple years to get over. Great Love: the one that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to get over them. Love is a strange thing, and it makes you do crazy outrageous things. For me its a Great Love I feel for him. I wont ever get over it. I wont ever be happy with someone else. I'm not sure how I am going to get past this.

Guys make no sense! :)

So trying to understand guys is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. They say one thing do another, so the next time you assume they are going to do the opposite thing they say they are going to do, and then surprise... they actually do what they say they are going to do... what a flipping brain twister.. Not that us women are much better, they must think the same thing about us. Like my best friend..... He doesn't want me to date anyone... but he doesn't want to date... HA it cracked me up the day he told me that. I couldn't stop laughing. :D I don't know, I feel like I am in a better mood since the last post, and vented enough to keep my head on straight. :D We will see how long that lasts. HAHAHAHA!

Not worthy enough...

That's right.. Guy after guy they have weaseled their way into my life... None worthy enough to call my boyfriend.. None worthy enough to call my husband.. At this point in my life, I have put up with guys that cheat, lie, pretend to be interested, but never put the effort out to make it work. Its not supposed to be all on me to make a relationship work, its a mutual effort. If they can't see that, than they are a waste of time.

Yes they are guys, and they don't mature as fast as women, and yes I have my own trust issues. But if I didn't have those I might be married to someone that would treat me in a way that NO ONE should be treated.

As of now I need a man that can prove that he is worthy of being my boyfriend and future husband. Someone who WILL put that effort out to comfort me when I have my doubts, or when people try and put those doubts in my head. Someone who understands where I am coming from and can accept me as I am(am I perfect? HECK NO), and not make me work for the relationship, but it come naturally. I don't need to think that the person I am seeing is off seeing other people, and the guy will need make time to see me without me asking.

I am going to try and put everything in the past, and not let another guy into my heart since every time I do.. I get hurt, with or without him knowing. At some point I will need to let someone in, but when that time comes, he will KNOW that he wants a relationship, and WILL put that effort into wining and dinning me. That is what I would want, and that's what I would want to do for him.

I was talking with a friend recently about my best friend Jake, and that I do love the guy, but is he the right guy for me, honestly I don't think he is, but I do love him in a way that I don't love other people. he does have a place in my heart that NO ONe can even comprehend. He has been there for me when my exboyfriend broke up with me, when I got my DUI, when I had guy problems. He has ALWAYS been there, and I will always love him for that.. He is a TRUE friend and I plan on keeping him around.

As for me and my issues, it is something I will be working on since who would want to be with someone that has trust issues, or has a past like mine. My past is huge, there is no running from it, just learning and moving forward with it. Is it something I can learn from over night, NO. But I am going to try, and possibly one day I will find that person that can sweep me off my feet, and make me fall madly in love with him, and treat me like I know I should be treated, and make it easy for me to care for him without feeling that I am smothering him or doing something wrong.

I don't think I will find it anytime soon, but that gives me time to figure out what I am doing in my life, where I am going, and how I can learn more from what I have heard and seen in my life.

Moving forward, the only man for me is Jesus Christ. He is the only one that has NOT let me down, the only one I can turn to for help and guidance.

I will not allow my heart to hurt for someone that doesn't feel the same about me, or that does not show that he feels the same about me. Life is to short to worry, stress and over think things, but it is a good time to take peoples advice when they have your best interest at hand.

From now on I will be ignoring the men that just want a piece of me, and ignoring the people that think they know what they want from me but don't have my interest at hand.

It is hard to say and think that there is something wrong with me, but honestly, there is, I can't trust people, I always think the worst in men because of what I have had to deal with and put up with or seen in my past. How am I going to learn from it??? I am not sure yet, but in time I will figure it out at some point, it will just take time

We are all human, we all make mistakes but how you learn from it is completely different. Some people are crazy, some people love, some people are crazy in love, some people are dorky, some people hate, some people think its okay to lie, and to be lied to if in the best interest of the person. Honestly most people need to learn and grow up.. am I any of those? Yes.. Am I proud of it? Not about all of it, but I will learn. It will take time.

My mother asked me the other day why my relationships haven't worked out, my answer "I'm picky" this is true, but not fully.. Other part to that is its hard for me to believe someone when people tell you to be careful with them. Or seeing how they are with people around you. Its hard to think that someone that is persevered to be a nice person can put a front up for so long before they get caught lying or cheating or even just not being honest about what they want.

And dealing with the guys in my past that say they are obsessed with me, but are trying to cheat on their wife, well I have NO respect for you, and I am completely happy nothing ever came of us. I would not want to be that person that would be getting a divorce because of a stupid choice in picking a person like you.

Reading through my posts you can see that there have been a lot of problems in my relationships. And I am partially to blame for it. But if I can't be who I am with you, than WHY would I want to be with out.

I think this is going to be the best time to figure out WHO I am and how I can improve my life without worrying what other people think of it. Honestly I do feel pressure about finding a guy and getting married, I am 22 and will be 23 in February, but that is just part of my life, I need to find a way to keep things on one level instead of my emotions going up and down all the time like they have been lately. Its to much stress and when that happens I start to shut down, and get cranky which I HATE.

The thing is I shouldn't need a man to make me happy, I should be happy before I find a guy, and I don't feel happy right now, maybe its because of the week I have had, but the stress of normal life on top of relationship life is to much. I need to figure things out with my bills and work, and where I am moving, if I am moving out of the Tri-Cities or if I am going to stay here and organize my life here.



If your reading this, I don't mean to offend you, or for you to look down on me or even think this is about you. It is just easier for me to sort out my thoughts on here.

Bad Day....

Feeling like anyone I trust stabs me in the back.

I don't feel like I can trust a single one of my friends, or count on anyone.
Family and my best friend Jake, that's it....

I wish I could move and just start over.
I'm tired of thinking these people are my friends, and thinking that we all would be closer than just saying "Hey, whats up" and that be the end of the conversation. I hate fake friends, and that's what they all are... FAKE!! Only one I can count on is Jake. Why? because hes always there when I need someone, and tells me how it is, doesn't sugar coat a dang thing.



I am tired of life. I am tired of people. I want it all to end and me be happy in heaven. I just want it to all be over. I want to sit and cry, curl up and not talk to anyone for weeks. I just can't take my life anymore, it's drama and I hate it. People better watch out because I am not going to be putting up with it anymore. I can't my life sucks because of them.

I don't feel like I can tell my friends how I really feel, I'M IN PAIN.. My body hurts and I can't take it anymore.

My head is doing it again! :(

Can't sleep, but I want to. :(


Stuck thinking about guys again.

Watched "Hitched" last night with a friend, made me think that the whole dating scene is a big mind game.

We all want to find love, we all want to find someone that we connect well with, that we want to go home to and be excited to tell them about our day at work (etc)

I went and saw Friends With benefits today. Like my friend said, it gave you the heart wrenching part, but then gave you the happy ending that we all want.

But we all know that the movie doesn't show everything. Because, can we really have a happy ending every time? NO. It is a myth. There is always fighting, cheating, lying, etc...

Will I ever find my "Prince charming"? Well I thought I had once. But that ended, for the best of course. Doesn't mean it didn't hurt. Am I okay with it now? Oh yes. All I can say to that is that, I am happy it ended when it did, instead of after getting deep in the relationship(marriage). People aren't what they seem. We don't always mean to, but we hurt people we love, in small ways, in large ways, unintentionally and intentionally. The good guys/gals get stabbed in the back by the ones that don't care. And the ones that don't care... Well they just don't care about their actions, or consequences and it doesn't bug them that because of what they are doing now might wreak havoc later in life.

Looking at my friends(guy #1), one is a good guy, that deserves so much, from his family and friends, but he hasn't received it, and the other friend(guy #2, Same family) well he doesn't care. You can see it plainly in his actions and the way he talks to people. He takes advantage of people (girls). Would I do anything for him(guy #2), probably not. As for his brother... Yes. I would, I have been the good girl for so long that I know a good person when I see one.

I don't understand the mindset of someone that doesn't care about their actions. How they can live with themselves. Hurting people around them, and still get so much out of life. You would think their actions would catch up with them, but it seems that they just push the bad luck on the people that are good.

Like my other friend. He has a family that loves him, a daughter that loves him, and friends that love him. Does he get cut any slack? NO absolutely NOT. He gets cheated on, stabbed in the back by "friend" and gets pushed to the side. Does this make me happy? HECK NO! If I could I would make everything better for him and my other friend if it were in my power. Its what I would want from them if they could do anything.

There is so much pain in the world... Why do we need to make anymore? Why do people stab each other in the back, take advantage or con people in or out of things? Because it's sin, and there can't be good with out the bad.

I am blessed to have such an amazing family, but I can't say that everyone is this fortunate. My life isn't going as I thought it would, by the age of 19 I thought I would have found "My guy", get married and start having kids by the age of 21-22. I am 22 now going on 23, and haven't had a real relationship in over 2 years. Does this upset me that I am single? In a way yes, but than I think about the guys that lie and cheat, and then it makes me happy that I don't have to deal with the drama,and shows me I am blessed by my friends and family that stick by my side. I do want to find someone that I can spend all my extra time with, and lose my friends for because I don't want to be away from that person, yes I would. Is it healthy? NO. But once that happens you know you have found something amazing, and you don't want to let it go.

Daily I get talked to like I am a piece of meat, that some guy can buy, cook, chew it up and spit it out. This is why I am single. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and not a piece of meat. Having a conversation that doesn't turn dirty or perverted. Sex is awesome, in the right concept though. It's not what a relationship is supposed to be based off of. If the relationship is based off of sex than it is set up for failure. You have to have a deeper connection than the physical, if you don't it will not last. Anyone can have sex, but someone that can hold a conversation that doesn't turn dirty/inappropriate can make a relationship last. Being able to talk about what/how and why they feel a certain way with out being judged or shut out by the other person will have more of a chance of making a friendship/relationship work.

The people that talk dirty or inappropriate wont get far in a relationship, they will maybe make it a month to 2-3 years, it wont last though. Someone that can hold a conversation that isn't inappropriate will be able to make the friendship/relationship last for years and years, and they will cherish it, they will bend over backwards for the other person. Even if its just a friend.

If my best friend asked me for something that I could do, I wouldn't hesitate to do it for him. The only reason is because he has been there for me over the years, listening to my problems and helping in anyway he could. *this is a true friend*

I always get told by my friend that when I "Fall" for a guy I fall HARD. I guess I hold my heart on my sleeve. This is and isn't a bad thing. It is because I get hurt easier, and isn't a bad thing because that means when I fall for the right person I will be overly loved and over joyed by having someone so amazing.

Yes I think about guys a lot, another friend of mine asked me after I stopped seeing someone that was lying to me if there was someone new. There isn't anyone, but that is how bad it is for me, people notice that I fall fairly easily for guys. I have learned this year how to be content with myself, its something I struggle with but something that I will have to constantly work on.

Well I am going to cut myself off right now and head to bed. I probably shouldn't be up this late.

Night world.
~Bethany

Grow a pair of balls, and grow UP!

So I am calling it quits....

I ignored all the red flags, and glad I didn't get as hurt as I usually do.

If your going to say your phone doesn't work to me and then later that day your friend comes up to you and says text me and call me when you get off work. WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK I WOULD STAY AROUND WAITING?

You are the LARGEST DOUCHE I have ever known.

I am glad that its over and I don't have to put up with your crap. You are TOOO MUCH DRAMA for my life.

And I'd just like to say SEEE YAAAA SUCKA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Acting like a child

Got to love when people just randomly stop talking to you.

You would think a middle aged person would know how to talk something out, or at least say "It's over" but no. Just be a baby about the whole thing.

I am getting sooo tired of this. I get tried of trying, and then getting shot down, or not even being told that it's over.

GARRRRR I NEED A VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can't open my heart to anyone.

Any time I do, I get hurt. This is a thing that has not changed over the years. Maybe its because I hurt a few guys and this is the payback I get.

All I can say is I am tired of my heart hurting. I am tried of guys taking advantage of me. I tried to help in any way I could.

I feel like he's lying to me, and possibly seeing someone else.
I just can't keep doing this. Either we are something or we aren't I'm not going to keep playing the games. I want something serious. Not just a fling because I get attached.

Yeah there are things that I might have to work on, but I am not going to change myself so I can be with you.

Why would you be with me if that was the case.

Pretty much want to tell you to SHOVE IT and leave it at that.

The Man..

Must be a christian with the same beliefs.
Has to have a true relationship with God.
Honesty.
Loyalty.
Trustworthy.
Fun to be with.
Charming.
Sweet.
Handsome.
Feels the need to surprise me with little things.
Likes to play with my hair/comb it while watching a video.
Likes to show affection.
Loves music.
Has some sort of music talent.
Loves family/family oriented, good with kids
Likes the outdoors.
Is forward but also kind.
Cares for his friends more then himself.
Understanding.
Sympathetic.
Does what he says he is going to do.
Be there when I need him.
Love me.
Hug and kiss me.
Lay on the couch all day with me and watch movies.(Nothing physical happens)
Is a best friend, where we always have something to talk about.
Caring.
Not a jerk (not just around me but not at all)
Smart.
Outgoing (and kinda random)
Funny
Attractive (to me at least)(fit)
Is a handy man (like one who can work on my car when it messes up!)
Is stronger then I am. (I like wrestling)
Likes cats and dogs. (Treats them right, doesn't beat them.)
Doesn't have to say anything, with just one look he can tell me he loves me.
Can make me laugh with out doing anything out of the ordinary.
Can gets along with my family (HUGE DEAL FOR ME).
Can hug me and tell me everything going to be okay, and I believe him.
Someone I can trust with my whole heart.
Chooses me first.
Tells me everyday that he loves me.
Wakes me up every morning with a kiss.
Determined in life. (Go getter)
Stylish.
Not lazy.
Likes to play video games but its not his life.
Is able to give me girls night and not have me check in every five minutes.
Doesn't like drinking all the time (A beer here and there is okay, not every night)
Knows how to stay on my good side/doesn't say stupid/unnecessary stuff.
Likes guns and going hunting or shooting.
Says random sweet things just because he adores me.
Doesn't boss me around, tell me how to live my life. (You do that your not going to be around very long)
Doesn't use me because I am sweet, and love doing things for people. Its a two way street.
Doesn't pressure me into doing something I don't want to do. (Drinking, smoking, you know stupid stuff when I decide I don't want to do it.)
Likes to cook, and doesn't mind doing it once or twice a week.
Helps me with the cleaning (after meals and when things start to pile up)
Stays away from drama, and knows when its a good idea not to hang out with a certain group of people because they might be trouble.
Is a really hard worker (Like my daddy)
Wants to have a family some day, and goes about the whole thing the right way.
Doesn't flirt with other women.
Doesn't feel he has to do stuff behind my back. (Have a guys night, things like that)
Likes taking pictures together.
Has respect for women. (Doesn't treat them like trash, treats their mom well. That way I know they will treat me well)
Doesn't have fat hands. (They creep me out)
Can take care of his nails. (Doesn't chew on them, and they aren't long. but kept up)
Likes the same music I like. (Michael Buble is a big one)



Not finished as I think of stuff I will update it.

Timing is really everything..

Thinking about not dating for a year really makes me want to find a good guy. One that will respect me, and treat me GREAT, with respect. I don't want to find one that will treat me like they could get another girl like me. Treat me like I am one in a million. And that if they lost me their life would end.

Makes me happy that someday I'll find someone like that someday. It will be awhile which I am fine with, as long as I find(God brings) me him someday.

I really need to get things straightened out in my head sooner rather than later so I stop thinking. I am starting to drive myself crazy with the random things that go through this brain of mine.

Why do I have to crush? Why can't I just live and be content with where I am at in life? This is why I am going crazy. I need to learn to be happy by myself, so I can make someone else as happy as I want to make them. This is the only way things will work out in the long run.

On the verg of crying

Didn't realize how much of a city girl I am. I am so done with this town. Not that I don't love you all. It's just THIS is not my city. Seattle is my place to be.

Having things to do each night there is something I miss. Dancing(Swing), hanging out with friends. Being able to walk outside and seeing interesting people walk down the street. Being able to go to the lake and swim and hang out with friends have a BBQ, all day long with no cares in the world.

Being able to hang out with my best friend. Hopefully going to Seattle to work at corporate, and becoming someone I want to be. This town can't do it for me.

I love being able to go to work and enjoying the things I do, yes digital is fun, but once you get the same call over and over it's not as fun anymore.

This is my dream.

Move to Seattle be able to hang out with my friends while working hard to become who I want to be, and who God wants me to be.

Why can't I be happy?
PLEASE PRAY I GET THE JOB IN SEATTLE, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO STAY HERE ANYMORE. I WANT TO MOVE BACK TO THE PLACE I WAS SO HAPPY. THANKS!

Beastly...

Watched "Beastly" with my friends the last two nights.

This movie is quite amazing. It makes you think about rotten snobbiness, who your friends are. Who are fake, who are loyal. Who would be there for you in your deepest darkest hour. And who would ditch at the thought of having to do something for someone else.

Makes you think about love, and what this world is missing. It made me think, what if the whole world looked like on the outside, how their heart was on the inside. Would you want to be around it? Would you want to look like someone that was beaten, trashed tattered? Would you want to love someone that was ugly on the outside because that's who they were on the inside? Yes we all have our looks, and we care about them, but what if that was not enough? What if the reason this world is so crumby is because we care about what is on the outside and not what is on the inside.

If we all cared for 2-3 other people other than ourselves and they cared for 2-3 other people this world would already start to be a better place.

Love letters...

The long hand written hand letters that no one seems to do anymore. Is there someone in your life that you truly love? Are they worth hand writing a letter to? When I was in the theater.. And thinking of a person (guy) I would want to write a letter to, I came up short. I had a thing for my best friend at one point, but realized that nothing would come of it. He is my best friend, and I don't want to lose him. I do love him though. Honestly.

The person I would want to write a long love letter to would be someone that respects me, treats me like a gem. Someone I don't have to get mad at because they aren't acting like a gentleman. The last time I wrote a love letter to someone, I got hurt. Does this mean that every time I write one its going to happen, NO. Just means with my luck, I am going to have to be more careful.

Every time I think about someone as more than a friend, I think "can I live with them the rest of my life?" This is hard when it comes to the dating life. I am not a fan of dating, but I am not a fan of being single. However I am not going to just jump at the first man I see. Thinking of everything I want in a man will be a great idea. And is something I will be doing shortly. Till that man comes along I am not going to be worrying about guys.

Watching Lindy on "Beastly" was a breath of fresh air. She worried about her family, and school. Yes she had a crush on Kyle but, it still wasn't at the top of her list.

Things I need to worry about are my schooling, and how and when I am going to start. My family. My friends, but not get caught up in their drama. Things I can do for other people, while also getting a new job at corporate, and moving back up to Seattle.

Anyways...

Those are just a few thoughts floating around in my head tonight. Now to go to bed with my kitty.

Why do I always have to feel like this?

My emotions are up then down, I don't care then I do care.

I can't seem to do anything right. I can't hang out with my friends with out you keeping tabs on me. But the awesome thing about you is that you, you really don't care. Ya, you can act like you do, but if you really did, then you would take action on it instead of making my head hurt and me always feel like it's my fault for everything.

You know what I am going through right now with everything else in my life, why can't you make this easy on me?

You got upset when I cared and then you got upset when I showed that I stopped caring even though it was a front. Honestly nothing will happen with us since you won't take the action and show you care. I have to find this out by my friends that you have been having keep tabs on me with.

Don't you think that is a little much when you are the one that doesn't want anything?

YOU make my head EXPLODE!!

To forgive and forget or to not? that is the question

I am one of those people that forgives and forgets.

This time I have no problem doing so, but is it fair that he doesn't forgive me for something I did when i was intoxicated?

I just don't see how this is fare... But then again it is my normal self to forgive people. It might not be the same for him.

Oh the joys of being up late stuck with my mind, wandering and wandering and wandering....

I had an awesome dream last night

I was being held by my guy from behind, we were out in Montana looking out at the mountains and the green valley. In absolute peace.

I woke up feeling all warm and cozy. Then I really woke up and realized it was a dream. Some day it will come true.. I'll get my property out in the middle of no where with my man. :D