How did this happen?

How can I be in love with my best friend, how can I allow myself to do this? Day by day my feelings for him gets stronger. I think about the good times and also the little fights I have had with him and we work things out. Even with the big fight we had over how he thinks I acted. He has stuck by me through it all, and still I love him more for it, and I keep telling myself that I can't, I shouldn't and I won't love him. But every time I tell myself this I have more feelings for him. What if we did date? What if by some miracle we were to be together? Would it be the same? Would I still have the same feelings for him, would they grow or would they diminish? How can I have a tie to someone that I feel so strongly to, and yet know nothing will come of it? How do I allow myself to get hurt in this way? People lose weight/change for someone, I am changing for me. I know its going to be a great thing, but a small part of me in the back of my mind thinks... What if I changed, and he did want to be with me? This is horrible to think... No one should change for another person. Especially if they didn't want you before and they do now. It would be superficial.. They wouldn't want you for you, they would want you for what you became. He has been there for me through my good and bad, he has seen it all. Things maybe would have been different if I didn't date his cousin. But if I hadn't my best friend wouldn't be him. We had talked about moving in together. Now things are different since my ex was causing problems with him and the family. I think about moving in with him and us being together, and how happy and in love I am, but then reality hits and I realize he doesn't want me. It's sad and it hurts. But it does mean I wont lose him with him staying my friend. Honestly if I ever lots him I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would have a mental break down. Just thinking I would lose him makes me feel like I would lose my heart. I don't know how I became so attached to him. He said something to me last night, and I snapped at him, and told him he pissed me off, immediately he apologized. And then tonight he asked if I was mad at him. I told him no... He did apologize the night before, he was joking but I didn't appreciate the joke. I can't stay mad at him for very long. I am also wondering am I falling in love with the thought of who I think he is or who he really is? We have been friends for 3.5 years, and 2.5 we haven't lived in the same city. Am I thinking hes one person, when he is really another? And why can't he love me even though I dated his cousin? Why couldn't his cousins family understand that it didn't work out with me and my ex for a reason and be happy that I love Jake? I have even had a dream that I married Jake. I know what dress I would be wearing and how my hair would be, and us dancing in the middle of the ballroom floor just happy to have each other. But then again... It was just a dream. It's not reality. I just want to be happy, I don't want a guy to treat me like a piece of meat, I don't want other people to get in the way of my happiness because they don't like how things turned out for them or for someone in their family.

where did my heart go?

How did I give my heart to someone that doesn't even want it? I didn't reslize I did it till a few guys wanted to get with me and one wanted to date/marry me. I feel horrible about it, he asked me if I loved him. I told him I didn't know and then he asked if he moved up here if I would.I told him that I honestly didn't know. Reason I said that is because I am in love with someone that doesn't want to be with me. He said that we could never date because of the past I have with his extended family.. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to save my heart....