Calling it how it is

You think you love someone, they have always been there for you. They are your best friend, and have been for years. The your family thinks you guys should date.. and I agree, but then he says you can't because your ex boyfriends family would flip.. everytime I go to see him, call him or text him I get the stupid little butterflies in my stomach reminding me I can't be with him, and he doesn't want to put the effort into trying to make something work without worrying what other people think.

Have I ever found someone that can put up with my crazy self? Yes.. can I be with him? No. Honestly I don't know what to do. I'm in love with someone that can't be with me because he thinks the family would flip. Makes me want to cry.. I keep playing over in my head what I would say if we crossed the friends boundary but not to the relationship area... "you chose not to be with me, I'm not going to let this amazing friendship go down the drain because you want to have fun but not really be with me." Idk.. I feel lost, and some what hurt, but then again I push the hurt away because I had that once in my life, you know where you physically feel like there is a hole in your chest. I really want to trust people but I can't. I know I'm always going to get hurt, and I can't put myself in a position where he can, I wouldn't have anyone else to talk to that would be on the same level. He knows everything about me. I always make sure of it.

How did this happen?

How can I be in love with my best friend, how can I allow myself to do this? Day by day my feelings for him gets stronger. I think about the good times and also the little fights I have had with him and we work things out. Even with the big fight we had over how he thinks I acted. He has stuck by me through it all, and still I love him more for it, and I keep telling myself that I can't, I shouldn't and I won't love him. But every time I tell myself this I have more feelings for him. What if we did date? What if by some miracle we were to be together? Would it be the same? Would I still have the same feelings for him, would they grow or would they diminish? How can I have a tie to someone that I feel so strongly to, and yet know nothing will come of it? How do I allow myself to get hurt in this way? People lose weight/change for someone, I am changing for me. I know its going to be a great thing, but a small part of me in the back of my mind thinks... What if I changed, and he did want to be with me? This is horrible to think... No one should change for another person. Especially if they didn't want you before and they do now. It would be superficial.. They wouldn't want you for you, they would want you for what you became. He has been there for me through my good and bad, he has seen it all. Things maybe would have been different if I didn't date his cousin. But if I hadn't my best friend wouldn't be him. We had talked about moving in together. Now things are different since my ex was causing problems with him and the family. I think about moving in with him and us being together, and how happy and in love I am, but then reality hits and I realize he doesn't want me. It's sad and it hurts. But it does mean I wont lose him with him staying my friend. Honestly if I ever lots him I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I would have a mental break down. Just thinking I would lose him makes me feel like I would lose my heart. I don't know how I became so attached to him. He said something to me last night, and I snapped at him, and told him he pissed me off, immediately he apologized. And then tonight he asked if I was mad at him. I told him no... He did apologize the night before, he was joking but I didn't appreciate the joke. I can't stay mad at him for very long. I am also wondering am I falling in love with the thought of who I think he is or who he really is? We have been friends for 3.5 years, and 2.5 we haven't lived in the same city. Am I thinking hes one person, when he is really another? And why can't he love me even though I dated his cousin? Why couldn't his cousins family understand that it didn't work out with me and my ex for a reason and be happy that I love Jake? I have even had a dream that I married Jake. I know what dress I would be wearing and how my hair would be, and us dancing in the middle of the ballroom floor just happy to have each other. But then again... It was just a dream. It's not reality. I just want to be happy, I don't want a guy to treat me like a piece of meat, I don't want other people to get in the way of my happiness because they don't like how things turned out for them or for someone in their family.

where did my heart go?

How did I give my heart to someone that doesn't even want it? I didn't reslize I did it till a few guys wanted to get with me and one wanted to date/marry me. I feel horrible about it, he asked me if I loved him. I told him I didn't know and then he asked if he moved up here if I would.I told him that I honestly didn't know. Reason I said that is because I am in love with someone that doesn't want to be with me. He said that we could never date because of the past I have with his extended family.. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to save my heart....

Unhappy

Sat around waiting to hang out with my best friend for three days. I feel like yelling at him right now.. Like do you even care about my feelings, do you care that when you say your going to do something and then you bail on me, it is like a knife in my heart. And I feel like I have been let down by the only person I never thought would let me down. We are all humans, we cant always count on them.. they will let us down no matter what they do to try and not to. You are my best friend, but I feel like things are changing between us, and not in the good way. I feel jealous of any girl that is in your life. THIS CANT HAPPEN TO ME... You don't want to be with me, you will never be with me, but why cant I get you out of my head?!? After having dinner with you and your roommate, I cried on the way home. You try to hid it. But I can tell/see how you look at her, not in a loving way, but more of "Shes mine" kind of a way. You tell me to be nice and take a nice pill the entire time I am there. If you want me to be nice, don't bring your roommate that you are sleeping with along with you when I sat around for 3 fucking days to hang out with you and changed my plans all around so I could get one more night with you and then you bring her along to dinner. Its not what I wanted.. I'm in love with a man that doesn't love me back, and can't because he wont take a chance.. Why would he though.. he knows my past. he knows everything about me why would he want anything to do with me? I want to move to Seattle, but for what? a job I cant get, a man I'm in love with but that doesn't love me back.. I feel so hurt. Almost like my life is falling apart all over again. Falling all around me while your life moves on, I feel like I have been waiting for you for so long, but doesn't matter because all it is for you is a show/game/mind twister for you. A man that fears nothing is a man that loves nothing... Love, Big love, Great love Love: the one you can get over in a couple months. Big Love: the one that takes a couple years to get over. Great Love: the one that no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to get over them. Love is a strange thing, and it makes you do crazy outrageous things. For me its a Great Love I feel for him. I wont ever get over it. I wont ever be happy with someone else. I'm not sure how I am going to get past this.

Guys make no sense! :)

So trying to understand guys is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to do. They say one thing do another, so the next time you assume they are going to do the opposite thing they say they are going to do, and then surprise... they actually do what they say they are going to do... what a flipping brain twister.. Not that us women are much better, they must think the same thing about us. Like my best friend..... He doesn't want me to date anyone... but he doesn't want to date... HA it cracked me up the day he told me that. I couldn't stop laughing. :D I don't know, I feel like I am in a better mood since the last post, and vented enough to keep my head on straight. :D We will see how long that lasts. HAHAHAHA!

Not worthy enough...

That's right.. Guy after guy they have weaseled their way into my life... None worthy enough to call my boyfriend.. None worthy enough to call my husband.. At this point in my life, I have put up with guys that cheat, lie, pretend to be interested, but never put the effort out to make it work. Its not supposed to be all on me to make a relationship work, its a mutual effort. If they can't see that, than they are a waste of time.

Yes they are guys, and they don't mature as fast as women, and yes I have my own trust issues. But if I didn't have those I might be married to someone that would treat me in a way that NO ONE should be treated.

As of now I need a man that can prove that he is worthy of being my boyfriend and future husband. Someone who WILL put that effort out to comfort me when I have my doubts, or when people try and put those doubts in my head. Someone who understands where I am coming from and can accept me as I am(am I perfect? HECK NO), and not make me work for the relationship, but it come naturally. I don't need to think that the person I am seeing is off seeing other people, and the guy will need make time to see me without me asking.

I am going to try and put everything in the past, and not let another guy into my heart since every time I do.. I get hurt, with or without him knowing. At some point I will need to let someone in, but when that time comes, he will KNOW that he wants a relationship, and WILL put that effort into wining and dinning me. That is what I would want, and that's what I would want to do for him.

I was talking with a friend recently about my best friend Jake, and that I do love the guy, but is he the right guy for me, honestly I don't think he is, but I do love him in a way that I don't love other people. he does have a place in my heart that NO ONe can even comprehend. He has been there for me when my exboyfriend broke up with me, when I got my DUI, when I had guy problems. He has ALWAYS been there, and I will always love him for that.. He is a TRUE friend and I plan on keeping him around.

As for me and my issues, it is something I will be working on since who would want to be with someone that has trust issues, or has a past like mine. My past is huge, there is no running from it, just learning and moving forward with it. Is it something I can learn from over night, NO. But I am going to try, and possibly one day I will find that person that can sweep me off my feet, and make me fall madly in love with him, and treat me like I know I should be treated, and make it easy for me to care for him without feeling that I am smothering him or doing something wrong.

I don't think I will find it anytime soon, but that gives me time to figure out what I am doing in my life, where I am going, and how I can learn more from what I have heard and seen in my life.

Moving forward, the only man for me is Jesus Christ. He is the only one that has NOT let me down, the only one I can turn to for help and guidance.

I will not allow my heart to hurt for someone that doesn't feel the same about me, or that does not show that he feels the same about me. Life is to short to worry, stress and over think things, but it is a good time to take peoples advice when they have your best interest at hand.

From now on I will be ignoring the men that just want a piece of me, and ignoring the people that think they know what they want from me but don't have my interest at hand.

It is hard to say and think that there is something wrong with me, but honestly, there is, I can't trust people, I always think the worst in men because of what I have had to deal with and put up with or seen in my past. How am I going to learn from it??? I am not sure yet, but in time I will figure it out at some point, it will just take time

We are all human, we all make mistakes but how you learn from it is completely different. Some people are crazy, some people love, some people are crazy in love, some people are dorky, some people hate, some people think its okay to lie, and to be lied to if in the best interest of the person. Honestly most people need to learn and grow up.. am I any of those? Yes.. Am I proud of it? Not about all of it, but I will learn. It will take time.

My mother asked me the other day why my relationships haven't worked out, my answer "I'm picky" this is true, but not fully.. Other part to that is its hard for me to believe someone when people tell you to be careful with them. Or seeing how they are with people around you. Its hard to think that someone that is persevered to be a nice person can put a front up for so long before they get caught lying or cheating or even just not being honest about what they want.

And dealing with the guys in my past that say they are obsessed with me, but are trying to cheat on their wife, well I have NO respect for you, and I am completely happy nothing ever came of us. I would not want to be that person that would be getting a divorce because of a stupid choice in picking a person like you.

Reading through my posts you can see that there have been a lot of problems in my relationships. And I am partially to blame for it. But if I can't be who I am with you, than WHY would I want to be with out.

I think this is going to be the best time to figure out WHO I am and how I can improve my life without worrying what other people think of it. Honestly I do feel pressure about finding a guy and getting married, I am 22 and will be 23 in February, but that is just part of my life, I need to find a way to keep things on one level instead of my emotions going up and down all the time like they have been lately. Its to much stress and when that happens I start to shut down, and get cranky which I HATE.

The thing is I shouldn't need a man to make me happy, I should be happy before I find a guy, and I don't feel happy right now, maybe its because of the week I have had, but the stress of normal life on top of relationship life is to much. I need to figure things out with my bills and work, and where I am moving, if I am moving out of the Tri-Cities or if I am going to stay here and organize my life here.



If your reading this, I don't mean to offend you, or for you to look down on me or even think this is about you. It is just easier for me to sort out my thoughts on here.

Bad Day....

Feeling like anyone I trust stabs me in the back.

I don't feel like I can trust a single one of my friends, or count on anyone.
Family and my best friend Jake, that's it....

I wish I could move and just start over.
I'm tired of thinking these people are my friends, and thinking that we all would be closer than just saying "Hey, whats up" and that be the end of the conversation. I hate fake friends, and that's what they all are... FAKE!! Only one I can count on is Jake. Why? because hes always there when I need someone, and tells me how it is, doesn't sugar coat a dang thing.



I am tired of life. I am tired of people. I want it all to end and me be happy in heaven. I just want it to all be over. I want to sit and cry, curl up and not talk to anyone for weeks. I just can't take my life anymore, it's drama and I hate it. People better watch out because I am not going to be putting up with it anymore. I can't my life sucks because of them.

I don't feel like I can tell my friends how I really feel, I'M IN PAIN.. My body hurts and I can't take it anymore.